MMBM: The New York Giants Should Bench Daniel Jones For Cussing Out His Teammates In The Huddle
Daniel Jones Is Nothing More Than A Pimp My Ride Version Of Eli Manning For People Whose Favorite Activity Is Shopping At Kohl’s
Xzibit A:
Hey I heard you like buying Van Heusen shirts and saving 15% off your first purchase when you sing up for a loyalty card so I made you a entire QB out of that process.
Its called Locker Room Talk for a reason because thats where it should stay. Mr Mara and the Giants have Won The Right Way for years and now its apparent that there quite content to sell out and adopt the same win at all cost mantra that led to such moral weakening of America like Marshawn Lynch grabbing his privates and Payton Manning and Papa John making out at midfield after the superbowl.
There are now two questions the team has to answer:
1. Is Daniel Jones too flashy? Look at Mr Big Chest here with his shirt and everything looking like a misson impossible theif wearing a mask of Eli Manning after pulling a heist during rush week were he snuck into the social chairs apartment to steal the answers for the greek alphabet. This shirt is the SEC version of wearing your hat backwards during a postgame presser and Im not sure that it will play long term with the New York media. I care less about bling bling then I do about ring ring, and Elis got two of em. Sure he won the game, good job and everything but at what cost to your franchises moral code?
I guess thats what were calling leadership now? Cussing? If thats all it took to win a football game then Samuel L Jackson would have a bust in Canton.
2. Are the New York Giants better without Eli Manning? I know it sounds hot-takey of me to even ask the queston as Eli has proven time and again to be the bedrock of this franchise, but some of the facts surrounding there 18 point comeback victory point to the backward-sounding theory that yes, maybe this is addition by subtraction. Eli might have gotten Wally Pipped after being sidelined for yesterdays game with what was officially listed on the injury report as being a nasty case of sucking for the last five years and Daniel Jones found himself being in the right place at the right time. Success is what happens when preperation meets opportunty, and as unthinkable as it is to say- Hall Of Famer Eli Manning might find himself as the backup once he fully recovers from not being very good at football at all.
Daniel Jones is Manning with a pair of nuts which is intresting to me because his first name is a anagram of Eli Nad. Everything about him appears to be a software upgraded version of Eli with a couple bug fixes (cleaning out all the ones that flew into his mouth), and ball-securty updates. Sure it looks cool, but in realty you want a QB who will get you from point A to B, instead of one who has to go from point A to point 18. Eli did what his older brother could never do and won a game as a backup after being benched for a first rounder- thats a real dual threat QB and he did it without the help of his franchise running back.
Saquon Barkley is out for a indetermined amount of time with a high ankle sprain or as LeGarrette Blount called it, a ankle sprain. People are asking if the Giants are better without Saquon demanding all the touches just because hes clearly the most talented player on that roster, and from early results the answer is yes.
Somewhere you know Dave Gettleman was celbrating after the game by sipping tea and saying “thats none of my business”, but completely unaware that doing either of those things was a thing people do when they celbrate, thats just Gettleman in his natural mindset.
Onto the rest of the column
Aaron Rodgers/Matt LaFleur Relationship Thermomemer:
We will be keeping track of the looming impolosion between the mercurial signal-caller and his first year head coach using the latest in scientific advancements- memes.
This weeks rating:Bradley Cooper/ Lady Gaga
If anyone can love Aaron after seeing him wearing this helmet that makes him look like a depressed french astronaut I think its meant to be:
LaFleurs offense has been good enough and I saw Aaron call at least a couple audibles so I think there in love. Once you go Matt you never go back.
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. Did the Patriots force EA Sports to not update there Madden roster because the only thing Ive ever seen take the Jets down faster then New England is a software update from Boeing.
2. Calling a draw play on fourth and 9 was a touching tribute to former Browns coach Marty Schottenheimer who walked so that Kitchens could literaly run the dang ball. It was the perfect white flag repsonse to being asked to draw you like one of your french girls. This is the type of playcall that makes other teams know that your capable of anything like when Kaiser Sose murders his family in front of his enemys to let them know they should be afraid of him. It was a statement brain-fart and you cant gameplan against crazy.
3. Kudos to Jalen Ramsey for calling in sick to work instead of showing up with the swine flu and perhap’s killing those around him with comprimised immune systems like Leonard Fournette who Ive come to the conclusions he most likely has mono after reviewing thursdays tape. I want a guy whose buying INfluenza not opting OUTfluenza. Also if Ramsey really wanted to destroy that lockeroom he would go to practice sick and more than likely kill Tom Coughlin who gets a face rash from being outside.
I get a vibe from Ramsey that the only thing hes sick of is losing and possibly diarrhea, which is almost as bad. As a expert in knowing when people are faking things and who likes to miss work with food poison let me be the first to say “i’ll have what he’s having”. This could of course be Jalen being a good teamate and suffering delayed-onset reaction to Nick Foles suffering a gruesome injury a la Teddy Bridgewater/Vikings vomitgate, or perhaps hes just like the rest of America and saw Gardner Minshews mustache and got pregnant.
The Jaguars are giving up a NFL 23rd-worst 91 yards rushing per game so the last thing they need is another guy who cant stop the run. They need him healthy. If your starting cornerback could shit through a screen door, I have to imagine that would knock his trade value down quite a bit you want him to stay home and get better. Maybe send him up to Pittsburgh to team with Minka Fitzpatrick, have him share a locker with Donte Moncrief because if Ramsey is truly sick theres no chance hed catch it.
4. Usualy by this time of year the Bills wagon-circling could best be described as Donner party-esque, but the Bills are off to a 3-0 start with wins over th Jets, Bengals, and Giants. Now they face a old foe the Patriots at home and if I’m them I loook at bringing former Bill Antonio Brown to dish out all the dirt on the Patriots that they can and give the Bills the Pats keys to winning the game like “have Tom Brady still”.
5. Its become fashionable to hate on Stephen Ross, owner of the Dolphins for any number of things like his poltical fundraisers, his terrble football team, his cycling classes were they will sleep with your girlfriend and force you to talk about it on the internet, and his haircut I’m assuming- but we dont talk enough about his attempted cucking of the Oakland and San Diego fanbases. He was the lone holdout on both votes in which the Raiders and Chargers, and has been the only owner to publicaly express his displeasure that the teams left there respective hometowns, like a old man on facebook seeing girls from his highschool update there relationship status and firing off a couple “let me know if you ever need someone to just listen” private messages.
6. Tonight is Bears verse Redskins and Adrian Peterson got the people buzzing with his answer about which teamate hed most like to run over by saying anyone from the front office. If your not familiar with the R-words but are a fan of prestige television, there like if the company from Succession was a football team thats entireley run by Tom and Cousin Greg, which is prefect because the last time they had a ROY they destroyed his legacy through ineptitude and hubris.
As best as I can tell Washington is run by a group who spend there free time getting hammered on various retreats and enjoy immense sexual gratification by being told what a bad job theyve done by there chief counsel who spends his/her spare time settling lawsuits brought against them by there own former employees. There owner is usually found landing his helicopter on various fields that he may or may not be welcome on, and rehiring people hes fired long ago due to their incompetence in the field of failing in ways that make him look better. Snyder has turned controll of the actual on-field product over to the second-brightest sibling in a family while the person actualy calling the shots in the shadows failed out of politics and then fell back taking a job at a office where there dad enjoyed a moderate amount of success back in the 70s. Althought they would of been a much more entertaining feature for Hard Knocks, HBO decided it would be redundant to have two shows on there network with such similar characters and Superbowl wins in the last 28 years.
7. Shoutout to this guy who caught a baby falling from a fire in Philly and added in a nice little burn on Nelson Aguilar for good measure.
The criminally underused dumspter-fire meme has been largely absent from Philly discourse mostly due to the fact that they tend to be flame-retardent when there filled with municipal water and turned into swimming pools.
8. Does New England have a sexual intercourse problem? Thats what the impresson around the league is after having two starters miss games in the first three weeks to attend there kids life induction ceremony. Earlier it was Kyle Van Noy and yesterday it was James White who wanted to be there to see his son take afer him, see a littl bit of daylight, and hit the hole making one cut. And say what you want about Nelson Aguilar but I would defnitely not trust Wes Welker under center at a clutch time like this. This is why its important for players to not have sex from January until May, or if you do-
9. Every single bird team lost yesterday which is no suprise since the WSJ reported that we are at negative 2 billion birds since 10 years ago. Bees, there natural food source, have been dying at a alarming rate for the last couple decades and this is gradually having a effect on the NFL. Its kind of ironic that the two animals known for teaching kids the most about fucking are unable to reproduce at a high enough rate to sustain there species but I guess the New England Patriots are making up for it.
10. THIS WEEK IN FULLBACKS
Huge week for fullbacks across the board. As Sports Biz Jake noted- fullback assissts nearly doubled on the year and week 3 isnt even done yet. Some highlights:
Juice check came back negative on Fitzpatrick who played pretty well when he wasnt within road grading distance of the 49ers superback. Juice had two FBAs on the day willing the 49ers to a win verse the reiging FBA leader Roosevelt Nix and the Steelers. Meanwhile this happened in Detroit:
Elsewere, Danny Vitale gave us the first documented instance of fullback stat-padding/number-neckrolling by intentonally getting tackled on the 1 inch line so he could get a assist on the following play. We all think back to when Ricky Davis intentonally missed a shot on his own hoop so that he could get a triple double, well every fb should be out there trying to get a double-triple- give 100% effort, and then when you dont think you have any left you dig down and give 110 more%.
Fullback assisst update- So far here are the season leaders in FBAs:
1. Kyle Juscyzkzhczyk (4)
2. (tie) Patrick Ricard, Patrick DiMarco, Alec Ingold (2 each)
5. (tie) Darren Bates, Alex Ellis, Nick Bawden, CJ Ham, Danny Vitale, Zach Line (1 each)
Private First Class Swag Kellys weekly letter home:
Sup Deb (here i am assuming chad kelly’s mom is named “Debbie”)
I got cut this week which was pretty cool because work sucks and my playbook was still in its orignal packaging so i thought theyd buy it back for a shitload of money, but then they said i was gona go on the wire and i was like fuck that im not a snitch so i guess its allright no one claimed me on waivers. I had left my papa roach cd in my locker so i went back to the team facilty and then they put me on the practice squad its like the reverse natonal guard where my weekends are free but i have to do shit monday through friday like practice. i was hoping id get claimed someplace tight like miami or sandy aygo but i guess I dont have to move out so thats cool cuz there was no way i was getting my securty deposit back anyway.
Jim Irsays been trying to teach me guitar all week which is like a dubstep violin i think. Hes pretty cool and we bonded over a mutual intrest of getting away with stuff. He had a calendar in his office so i saw We play the Raiders this week i was looking at some pics of Al Davis Im pretty sure that dude use to pay me 20$ a run to buy shitloads of sudafed for him when I was in highschool. Probly gonna stock up this week and see if i can flip it to him for some walkin around money. Gathering of the juggalos is coming up soon and i want to get a new bike with pegs on the front so me and my roomate travis can ride around selling fake weed. anyways im out of clean clothes so if you could fedex me the ecko gift cards i left on my nightstand that woud be clutch.
kbye
Swag